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" I play for an amateur cricket team. At the end of each season we give out prizes for 'Best Catch Taken While Smoking' and 'Baldest Player of the Year'."
Arthur Smith

" It's a funny kind of month October. For the really keen cricket fan it's when you discover that your wife left you in May."
Henry Blofield

" The batsman's technique was like an old lady poking her umbrella at a wasp's nest."
John Arlott

" Pitches are like wives, you never know how they're going to turn out."
Sir Len Hutton

" Cricket is basically baseball on Valium."
Robin Williams

" How's the wife and my kids? "
Anonymous Typical line of Austrialian wicket-keeper to a new batsman(Ian Botham was said to often reply "The wifes fine, but the kids are retarded")

" They asked me what I wanted to call my autobiography. I suggested: The Definitive Volume on the Finest Bloody Fast Bowler That Ever Drew Breath."
Fred Trueman

" My wife had an Uncle who could never walk down the nave of an abbey without wondering whether it would take spin."
Sir Alec Douglass-Home

" Are you wearing a box? Yes.......well it must be like parking a bicycle in a double garage."
Peter Cook

" That's it Mainwaring, have a good look around........you won't be here long."
ARP Warden Hodges to Captain Mainwaring (Dads Army) as he prepared himself at the crease

" To have some idea what it's like to face a fast bowler, stand in the outside lane of a motorway, get your mate to drive his car at you at 95 mph and wait until he's twelve yards away, before you decide which way to jump."
Geoffrey Boycott

" The members seated in the Pavilion at the Test Match refused to join in the Mexican Wave. Well, when you get to a certain age, every time you just get out of your chair, it's a bit of an adventure."
Henry Blofield

" Len Hutton's bat was part of his nervous system."
Harold Pinter

"Asif Masood approaches the wicket like Groucho Marx chasing after a pretty waitress."
John Arlott

"He often fielded at deep third man on the slope. He could not see the game, and the other players could not see him. He got his own back for this indignity by rolling the ball in a fresh cowpat."
James Preston

" The bowler's like my dog: three short legs and balls that swing each way."
Brian Johnston

" Cricket is the only game that you can actually put on weight when playing."
Tommy Docherty

" I'll tell you what pressure is. Pressure is a Messerschmitt up your arse. Playing cricket is not."
Keith Miller

" The batsman's Holding, the bowlers Willie."
Brian Johnston

" Cricket is a game which the English, not being spiritual people, have invented in order to give themselves some conception of Eternity."
Lord Stormont Mancroft

" Personally, I have always looked upon cricket as organised loafing."
William Temple
(Archbishop of Canterbury)

" Dickie Bird arrived on earth from the Planet Looney to become the best and fairest of all umpires. Great bloke, completely bonkers."
Ian Botham

" Neil Harvey's at slip, with his legs wide apart, waiting for a tickle."
Brian Johnston

" If Stalin had learned to play cricket, the world might now be a better place."
Bishop Richard Downey

" I discovered to my surprise that the MCC blazer was not red, white and blue."
Herbert Farjeon

"God wears white flannels."
James Cameron

" Medieval theologians used to dispute how the angels in the heaven spent their time, when not balancing on needle points and singing anthems to the Lord. I know. They slump glued to their clouds, glasses at the ready, as the Archangel Micheal (that well-known slasher) and stonewalling St Peter open against the Devils XI. It could not be Heaven, otherwise."
John Fowles

" The Umpire is like the geyser (gas water heater) in the bathroom; we cannot do without it, yet we notice it only when it is out of order."
Neville Cardus

" Here is a game so doggedly peculiar and dangerous that no foreign nations have ever adopted it."
Peter Ustinov

" I cannot for the life of me see why the umpires, the only two people on a cricket field who are not going to get grass stains on their knees, are the only two people allowed to wear dark trousers."
Katharine Whitehorn

" I read a history book once (forget which) which said that cricket is what made the industrial revolution a bloodless one and thus so effective."
Simon Bard

" England will win if Camilla Parker bowls."
Australian Fan's Banner

" The last positive thing England did for cricket was to invent it."
Ian Chappell

" I couldn't bat for the length of time required to score 500. I'd get bored and fall over."
Denis Compton